Recently I’ve been reading my way through one of those bundles. In this case so, so many books by John Scalzi. A lot of reasons for that. The bundle was cheap. And I liked Redshirts, and Fuzzy Nation, and some other stuff here and there. Oh yeah, Old Man’s War. It would be nice to read the rest of the series.

But the language is increasingly rubbing me the wrong way. So many words could be deleted. A lot of sentences could be shortened. And in some cases, a sentence is simply constructed wrong or represents a falsehood. (Disclaimer: My English isn’t perfect either. But I’m not a millionaire author.)

So, just for funzies, let’s look at a random segment of text.

The Last Emperox. Prologue. (Hopefully a link to the Kindle preview.)

ooo

… he only got as far as saying “I,” and really only the very first phoneme of that very short word…

(“I” only has 1 phoneme.)

ooo

… the surfaces of the aircar’s passenger cabin, Ghreni Nohamapetan, acting Duke of End…

(Repetition of phrase, 3 paragraphs earlier.)

ooo

… roughly 89 percent… A distant second to this, at maybe 5 percent…

ooo

… Ghreni’s brain decided…

(A quirk with this writer, where a person and their brain isn’t the same thing.)

ooo

Coming in third, at maybe 4.5 percent…

ooo

Inasmuch as Blaine Turnin’s body…

(Repetition of full name.)

ooo

Coming in third, at maybe 4.5 percent of Ghreni’s cognitive attention, was I think I need a new minister of defense. Inasmuch as Blaine Turnin’s body was now presenting a shape that could only be described as “deeply pretzeled,” this was probably correct and therefore did not warrant any further contemplation.

(Repetition.)

ooo

And indeed, why Ghreni Nohamapetan?

ooo

And indeed, why Ghreni Nohamapetan? What were the circumstances of fate that led him to this moment of his life, spinning wildly out of control, literally and existentially, trying to keep from vomiting on the almost-certain corpse of his now-very-probably-erstwhile minister of defense?

ooo

That was, until a great shift in the Flow would happen-ed at some point in the near future…

ooo

(And I’m only 1/4 through this chapter.)

ooo

… rolling several times before coming to a full and complete stop.

ooo

Blaine Turnin’s body was in the seat opposite him, quiet, composed and restful, looking for all the world like he had not been a human maraca bean for the last half minute. Only Turnin’s head, tilted at an angle that suggested the bones in his neck had been replaced by overcooked pasta, suggested that he might not, in fact, be taking a small and entirely refreshing nap.

ooo

… in a secured room of his palace that lay far underground, in a subterranean wing…

ooo

I have to assume there are traitors in our my midst.

ooo

“Well, and this is just a hypothesis, it might have something to do with the fact that you’re an incompetent who assassinated his way to the dukedom and has lied to his subjects about the imminent collapse of civilization, which, incidentally, you have to date done nothing to prepare for in any meaningful way.”

ooo

“Why do you come to see me, Ghreni?” he asked.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, why do you come see me?…”

ooo

“Yes, of course, you’re correct, an entirely ineffective rebel leader managed to infiltrate your security detail, plant at least one traitor, learn your secret travel itinerary and send a missile directly into your aircar and no others. Sorry, I was confused about that.”

(Repetition.)

ooo

“I need someone to talk to,” Ghreni said, suddenly.
Jamies looked over toward the (acting) duke. “I beg your pardon?”
“You asked why I keep visiting you,” Ghreni said. “I need someone to talk to.”

ooo

“I still vote for the therapist.”
“You could still help me,” Ghreni said.

ooo

Halfway there. Oh, I think I’ll stop here.

So. What’s going on here?

• A little bit of bad research or something.
• A little bit of not knowing, that 7 syllable names need to be shortened when used a lot.
• A lot of “repetitions are fun, if the language is different”.

For the last bit, ehm, no.

ETA: Rachel Neumeier kindly agreed to take a look at the same text: Writing Analysis: John Scalzi.